


A completely uncalled catharsis

by oddball



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Psychological Trauma, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-25 10:44:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3807394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddball/pseuds/oddball
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He never expected for something like a phone call to make his head swivel like a friction-less chair for hours, especially since he had heard from others that contemplation wasn't one of his specialties. He is however faced with no choice but to deal with things he had never dreamed of. Kise watches himself and others change as he tries to find a reason to make someone live; someone he had wished would rot and die in jest, someone named Haizaki</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. they called one morning

**Author's Note:**

> This has suicide themes. Do not read if this triggers something in you. I've been toying with this idea for ages now and I have finally decided to put it out. I hope you'll receive it well because this is very close to my heart for various reasons. I hope you'll will stay with me through this :)

He never expected for something like a phone call to make his head swivel like a frictionless chair for hours, especially since he had heard from others that contemplation wasn't one of his specialties. He wanted to be cranky and lost in thoughts during practice but he couldn't afford to let his team know that something was plaguing him.  Frankly, Kise would gladly tell everyone what he was thinking, if he knew what he was thinking or feeling; right now his head was a chaotic space with emotions, morality and confusion all slamming against each other in perpetual motion, some coming to squeaking halts, whose noises were camouflaged by the same noise his shoes made. 

  
Dammit! He thought. Me and my obsessive need to keep my phone on at unearthly hours. My stupid need to answer every fucking call. If only I could be as sociable as Midorimacchi sometimes. 

But he did pick it up. He did hear exactly what he heard. He did make a choice not to care. And he was in fact considering rethinking that decision. He wasn't callous and uncaring. Neither was he like Kurokocchi, overtly caring. He was however, childish. And somewhere he couldn't forgive people who had wronged him. He blamed Haizaki for making his foot considerably lousy before the semis and he could not forget how he had been subbed out and how his presence may just have put Kaijo right up there with Rakuzan. But then again... 

  
Argh! He grunted as his ankle twisted oddly. His breath grew faster and his body began sweating way more than it should. The practice ended and Kise marched to the locker room. He slowly slide his clothes off and entered the hot shower. He had hoped the water would help make things clearer. He let the water drip down his face, douse his hair as he shut his eyes trying to soak in the trickling warmth. The steam was profuse, bursting from the cubicle, yet Kise felt a chill in his spine. He slammed his fist against the tiles, growling in irritation. He decided he's never really been well equipped to deal with irritations alone. So he clothed himself in a gruff, his tie uneven and adorning a scowl unnatural to the unparalleled handsomeness that Kise Ryouta was. He thumped up the Kaijo stairs that led to the area of the school he seldom frequented. He opened the door and noticed the librarian making an expression of rejoice at him making an exception to his daily routine. He missed all the drama as he trotted like a horse with blinders and walked straight to a man who appeared to be awaiting him. Kise parked himself before the man and sulked. 

  
"What did you this time? Bring your fans to practice? Eat a cake before playing? Used perfect copy so long that they had to throw you out?" 

"Senpai...I really need your help" 

Kasamatsu's eyes tilted "Like you ever need my permission to talk" 

  
Kise hesitated before Kasamatsu impatiently flung a book at the blonde, his eyebrow twitching. Finally Kise mustered to say "It's...about Haizaki" 

Kasamatsu squeezed his fingers into an angry fist, he stood up with force as he leaned to face Kise's face. He growled "What did he do this time?" 

  
"Something really stupid senpai" 

Kasamatsu looked at Kise again and slowly withdrew his stance in confusion. The boy didn't look hurt or angry, but he looked a whole lot of things. Was that.... Guilt?! 

"Kise" he slowly asked with his palm on the boys shoulder, worried and confused 

"What did he do" 

"He tried to kill himself senpai"   
\------

"Hello. Is this Kise-san?"

"Yes indeed" Kise gleamed 

"We're so sorry to bother you at this early hour, but we're calling from the Kanagawa city hospital"   
Kise's eyes froze. His voice became somber and slightly shaken "Who is this regarding"

"Haizaki Shuugo-San"

"Hunh? What? Him? Ummm, you maybe a little mixed up. Are you certain its him"

"Yes sir we received this information on his high school id, Fukuda.

"Hmm okay. But why are you calling me?"

"We regret calling you so early but Haizaki-san requires surgery and we need someone to sign a consent form. We tried to contact his guardians but we weren't able to get through" 

"Wait, wait, wait. You want me, me of all the people, to decide if Haizaki should get surgery?! I'm sorry but I don't think I can do it"

"We can understand that you may have a trying relationship with our patient but we are in a fix. We tried to call his mother with no response. We tried to source any other guardian or friends we couldn't manage" 

"Then just call someone from his phone book"

"Umm the thing is sir, he has only two contacts. You and a Nijimura san. And you're the one he has spoken to last. We really need you"

"Spoken to me..." "Alright I'll be there"

  
Kise felt his feet moving at a tremendous pace. Of course he has hated the man but leaving him to rot was unacceptable. It was way before school time and if Kise made it soon enough, he would be on time for practice and nobody needed to know any better. He jogged a little in his sweat pants before making it to the train station. As he boarded the train, he became more and more puzzled. Firstly, why wasn't  Haizaki's mother there? Secondly, did he really have just two contacts? Thirdly, Haizaki had contacted him a week ago, did no one speak to him later? Lastly and most importantly, why was he in the hospital? Kise was no Akashi, but the strangeness of these events perplexed him enough to know that something wasn't right. There was something hiding in plain sight and Kise didn't know what. But before his curiosity got better of him, his childishness told him not to bother about a thug like Haizaki. He decided he won't care that much. He won't be callous but neither will he get caught in the flux of emotions Momoi or Kurokocchi were more apt to experience. 

The train screeched to a halt much like Kise's train of thoughts. He got off, hands in his sweat shirt, fingers twisting and shifting constantly. He would've otherwise noticed each face that lit up upon recognizing the model, but today his mind was preoccupied and his face wasn't his usual smiling self. It was bright and summery like any day in June and the warm climate outside would've deemed his outfit unnecessary and his fashion sensibilities were never off and so it can easily be said that certain times, even Kise Ryouta is perplexed and imperfect.

He walked through the busy automatic doors, brushing his shoulders against two medics running inside with a stretcher. His golden orbs strained to see who it was being wheeled in. It was a girl, perhaps his age.

"Suicide! Poison intake" one of the medics yelled out, as few other doctors caught her stretcher and rushed her inside. The word 'suicide' was met with many hushed up whispers, each speculating why a young girl like that would've tried to do something like that. Kise paused in his path and looked at her frothing mouth. It didn't evoke too many sentiments from him except just a lingering curiosity about why someone would do that. He marched to the reception desk

"hello, I received a phone call regarding Haizaki Shugo"

"Yes, you must be Kise-san then. We apologize gravely for calling you at such an unearthly hour"

Kise smiled mildly, brushing off the repeated 'sumimasen' from the young nurse

"If you may please follow me to the room nearby, I can explain the situation to you" she bowed.

Kise's face turned solemn and he nodded curtly. What did she mean by "situation"? What idiotic drunken brawl had he gotten into this time, Kise wondered, before letting out a small sigh. He followed the pink scrubbed nurse into what seemed like a waiting room for the kin of the patients being treated. He could see sullen worried faces, some sleepless, some in tears and some just tired.  The nurse stopped near a desk as she took a deep breath.

"I'm not supposed to give out patient information, but we have very little choice here. Haizaki-kun was brought here in the morning after someone found him lying in the park..." Kise almost grunted in complacence before she completed her sentence

"He had tried to hang himself off a tree when someone saw it and managed to pull him off in time before... he was unconscious but still breathing...Kise-san?" 

A small shuffle, his shoes glided on the floor dizzily, trying to find a foothold, his back knocked against the table and his hands clinging on to the edge "He what?"

"I'm afraid so. We had to call you because his carotid arties may have been damaged pretty badly due to the compression due to the...incident. We also need to rule out signs of any stroke...Kise-san? Are you listening? I know this may be very hard to hear but..."

"Yeah I'm listening. Forget all this, just tell me what to sign to allow him to get surgery" Kise blurted, his mind still reeling in from the shock.

The nurse handed him some forms which he blinded signed in muscle memory, his eyes too shocked to function in things like noticing a signature.

"Also Kise-san, since you are 17, we require an adult to sign over these papers later. Yours will do under urgent circumstances. Do try to get in contact with someone who could help" she politely instructed, hoping Kise would have gathered this despite his obvious state of emotional paralyses.

Kise's mind was filled with a blank. He couldn't imagine anyone killing themselves, let alone someone he knew. And now thanks to this one squiggle of a handwriting he made, he was committed to this more than he had anticipated in the morning. He sat with his throbbing head nestled in his sweaty palms. Suicide. Minutes before the mere curiosity had now become a cause for Kise's face to pale. He didn't know what to do but he was somewhat certain, that fate had played this hand for some reason and he couldn't walk out of this.

The bleak smell of the sterile hospital filled his empty mind, as he gazed up the rotating fan, oblivious to the noise and chaos of the hospital floor. He didn't know it yet, but this was the beginning of something possibly even Akashi couldn't have foretold.

 

 


	2. Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Back inside, Haizaki's fingers traced the rims of his collar, where Kise's fist had gathered. He could still see some wrinkles born from that interaction. As he soothed the wrinkles, he kept thinking of what Kise had said, their fight, his outburst and after a long stare, he burst into...a smile. He smiled nastily at his own piteous state, remarking to himself almost like an epiphany that had made a startling revelation to him. He smirked at his own self and realized, in a span of months, this "interaction" was the first to make him feel, alive."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New update! I hope to update every week-9 days (fingers crossed)

Kasamatsu's palms clenched the edge of the table, his eyebrows converging into a point, his face shivering with a commotion of emotions. He looked at Kise's anguished face, with equal confusion

"He what?"

Kise nodded and narrated the turn of events that took place this morning. Kasamatsu realised that it would indeed require something of grave content to wipe the sunshine off Kise's face.

"So you signed the consent form...What about his family?"

Kise shrugged his shoulder as he shuffled his fingers inside his blazer pocket in resonating confusion. "Beats me senpai, but yeah the nurse did mention that they couldn't reach anyone from his phone list" He chose not to elaborate on that, the fact that the list was barely large to count on his fingers. "But yeah, I remember hearing in Teikou that he has an older brother and a mother who he lived with, I guess they weren't available..."

Kasamatsu noticed the hesitation on Kise's end to prod into the grim details of someone else's family affairs, but he was sure as hell curious as to where they were when Haizaki needed them the most. Needless to say, both were too gentlemanly to voice that thought, ever.  Kise scratched his foot against the floor of the library back and forth before Kasamatsu finally demanded that he ask him what he's trying to put off. Kise bequeathed a lax smile at that, feeling good that his senpai didn't need words to understand what was going on in his head, if not exactly, but empirically at least. It didn't take his mind long to wonder if the lack of a person/people like that drove Haizaki where he was now.

"Senpai...they need an adult to sign against my name since I'm a minor. The surgery has started and I'll be going back to check once school is done, but I was hoping you could...It's entirely okay if you don't want to senpai! I mean its messy and if you don't want to be involved I so get it! and..." Kise's head was met with a light but sharp bonk with a book. Kasamatsu's eye brows twitched and he sighed.

"It doesn't hurt to shut up and actually wait for an answer when you ask a question. Yeah I'll come. Obviously I can't let you do this alone, considering your my stupid kouhai whether or not I'm your captain...Can't say how much of a help I..." Kasamatsu was cut short by a quick hug from Kise, who was relieved hearing those words. He didn't exactly know what to do either but it sure as hell felt better to know that Kasamatsu was there with him.

Kasamatsu smiled gently, ruffled Kise's blonde hair before pulling him off him. He held Kise by the shoulder, gazing at him tenderly, almost motherly "We'll go right after school"

Kise nodded.  Kise remembered a rather poignant line from some silly movie Momoi had made him watch because Daiki ditched her yet again and Kise was too kind to say no. What was philosophical gibberish back then, began to occupy blotches of his mind - _The universe has the strangest ways of pulling adversities together in a tight confined space, where they collide and collide until one or both stop._  

Yup, he declared to himself. The universe was spilling ugly truths in a chic-flick and Kise knew that wasn't a good sign.

\---

The air was more timid than how it was in the morning. The evening brought a great deal of compliance with it, like the ferocity of the early morning rush receded into a more placid albeit sullen atmosphere.  Kise and Kasamatsu walked slowly towards the hospital, in a strangely unanimated journey, fairly rare considering Kise's presence. The sky was a light blue, with the sun blazing in its final dying moments before it retired for the day. The juxtaposition of the warm hues of yellow against the baby blue sky, slowly receding into a darker shade, was what Kuroko and Aomine's presence in his life would have been like, natural, easy and almost picturesque in the manner in which they blended into a beautiful mauve evening sky. Haizaki, was like the grey clouds, that tried to cover the sun on a cloudy day, with the ball of fury ripping through it to spread it resplendent glamour, eating one grey tuft after another. But on some days, the clouds were too dense to let the sun part through it and the sullen skies forecasted a cloudy chance.  

After it finishing off with the rest of the protocol and paperwork issues pending from the morning, Kasamatsu asked if they could visit the patient. The nurse granted them permission and they slowly ascended the stairs to reach his room. Kise lingered out of the room long enough, shifting, stifling, trying to remove any signs of pity or anger he had on his face, only to realize, it was confusion that plagued him largely. He wasn't going to patronize Haizaki, nor did he have some great love for him, but his actions did throw him off track.

Haizaki had always been the one to steal, expressing a wanton desire to steal his title of a 'miracle', which frankly Kise couldn't care less about, but he wanted to steal it for no good cause. That's what Haizaki had always done, stolen because it asserted a malicious authority over the other, left the other feeling bereft and powerless. So what made someone whose nature was to steal and make himself powerful, lose all that power and steal his own life from himself? 

He never pegged Haizaki as the one to give up, he was too proud for that, so what drove him this far? He also knew, the same pride would maim him emotionally, when he was to face that fact that Kise had a role in saving his life, considerable one in fact. He sighed as he gave Kasamatsu a last look of hesitation and walked in. There he was lying on his hospital bed, looking harmless, but no less vicious. He turned and threw his characteristic scowl at Kise 

"You..." 

"I came to check up on you. I was there before the surgery, couldn't stay but came directly after..."

"Get out" 

Kise shot a surprised look "What?"

"You heard me Ryouta. Get the fuck out" 

Kise's face twitched in mild anger, before gathering back a response to Haizaki' venomous words. He was prepared for this, he told himself   
"Haizaki-kun, it's okay to feel like this. I agree that I don't understand this and any empathy will seem condescending and fake but I do know that everyone needs someone.." 

There was choking silence, each body filling  the room with their respective emotional stenches and putrid trusts for one another. And after what seemed like the death of a moment, Haizaki spoke in a tone no alien to Kise 

"Done with your shit Ryouta? Want me to hold your hand and cry? Want me to collapse on your lap and thank you?" 

Kise's eyes now dipped in anger, his face beginning to gain wrinkles of disturbance "Haizaki-kun, do you know that I signed the consent form for your surgery?" 

"Yes, the nurse told me and I'm so fucking indebted to your royal highness for doing that. Thanks to you and fate, I'm back in this fucking hell hole" 

Kise, seated until now, threw himself off the chair "Do you even know what the fuck you're saying?! And how hard is it to be thankful for getting the gift of life again, hunh!" 

Haizaki let out an accursed laugh 

"Gift of life. Where did you read that, some book meant for stupid teenagers? Life is no gift if you're me. And definitely not if you're me and surrounded by nosy pretend do-gooders like you. But how the fuck would you know. You're prince Ryouta" 

Kise's eyes narrowed in until anger bridged them "what?" 

"Yes! Fucking prince Ryouta of Ryouta-land" Haizaki roared, his hand flailing, almost disconnecting the IV drip and rattling the monitors he was plugged to "you, you're a model, Japan's fucking sweetheart, you turn whatever the fuck you touch to gold! You were a miracle! You fucking stole my spot in school, you had people, lovers, friends everyone pandering to your childish tantrums! And what the fuck did I get? Nothing! Okay, nothing! So don't tell me life is a gift, if you know nothing! Get out of my peasantry life, go back to your fiefdom and leave me alone for fucks sake! Get out!" 

Kise jolted, his entire body shook at the ferocity of Haizaki's words, but Kise wasn't trembling in sadness or fear, rather in anger  
"I don't get what your problem is! I'm trying to help out! It's not like I sought you out to help you like a charitable act, I was brought here by a strange set of events! And instead of taking the help coming along your way, you're kicking it right in the mouth. I don't get you Haizaki! Kise hollered back, before pausing for second, realizing the folly of his impulsive outburst. He crunched his fist as he lowered his head into the shadows, shaking in silence.

Haizaki's scowling face, slowly retired into a solemn one, he too turning to the dark 

"That's the whole point, you don't get me Ryouta..."

Kise ran out of the room, tears slowly burning into his chiseled face, Kasamatsu right at the hilt. He blazed out of the hospital, to the bench that was decked below a lonely tree. Kise rested one palm on his knee, while the other scratched the bark beneath his fingers, like a cat driven to madness. Kasamatsu, who had heard the entire exchange, came running to find Kise punching the tree with his tempered fists. His eyes dulled as he placed a hand on Kise's shoulder. 

"Sit" he guided Kise to the bench, Kise faithfully followed 

He pressed his palms to his forehead, water escaping through the crevices of his fingers 

"Senpai, is it my fault he feels like I have it all? I'm trying but the fool is too thick-headed to let me...It's not like that. Why am I feeling guilty for being fortunate? Senpai, this makes no sense..." He sobbed, taking a break to take a deep breath "but he's right, I know nothing about loss, or pain. The only pain I know is possibly crushing the dream of some middle school team, which is huge to me, but compared to what he must be facing... How can I ever understand what..." 

"Kise, look here" Kasamatsu said, swiveling his body to face him and gently prying his fingers off his face, one of his hands still holding his shoulder "You don't need to understand what he went through to help him" 

"He said he doesn't want my help. And you know what senpai, so be it. Let him go to hell" Kise wiped his tear hastily and began to get up, but found himself unable.

Kasamatsu smirked "Kise, try as you may, but somewhere in history he's been your teammate and you've been changed too much to let this go because he's being tough. You were tough, spoiled and silly, but neither Kuroko nor I gave up on you" Kise whined a "senpai" as Kasamatsu laughed 

"You get to pay the good done to you by Kuroko, forward. He never gave up on you guys, so don't you give up on this idiot either, okay?" 

Kise smiled, wiping his tears aside, somewhere making a mental note about how easily he is driven to tears. Kasamatsu's words put into syllables the strange sense of duty Kise had been feeling all day. He gazed back at Kasamatsu, telling him to wait for him as he had some business to take care of.

Haizaki claimed the glass of water beside him and stared at his palm for long, at the pills in his hand he was meant to take.  A strong crush of frustration and he flung them across to the door

"I would take that if I were you" Kise kicked the small pink tablet with the edge of his sneakers.

Haizaki's disheveled face contorted in irritation, but before he could launch any object he could lay his hands on at Kise, he felt a strong tug at his collar.

"Listen Haizaki-kun, I don't care what you say or whether you think I get you or not. I really don't. And the reason you're not going to feel like this again is because I don't get you. I don't want to and that's what is going to change. You don't want to live in your world, fine, but once you enter Ryouta-land, you'll never want to leave" He flung Haizaki back, tossing his head against the headboard of the bed, leaving him a little rattled.

He wasn't sure how to react to this Ryouta. He wasn't sure if he was some new 'hobby' to Kise or what entering Ryouta-land even meant. All he knew was he wanted to snap that blonde chicken's neck. He wanted to reach out, grab his neck and fling him out through the glass, but there was something about Kise's expression that made him freeze. It was that same smile Kise always adorned, but this one had a weird tint to it, some adulteration. Haizaki didn't know what it was yet.

"I spoke to the nurse on the way up. She says they will have to keep you for a week under evaluation, after which you can go home"

"humph" Haizaki grunted his first sound in a bit "I have no home"  

"That's not even an option. She said you can't be left alone"

"I'm not a fucking baby!" Haizaki screamed.

"No, you're an idiot. That's far worst. Anyway, we'll worry about that in a week's time. I'll leave now, but I'll be back tomorrow after school. You need rest, go to sleep. Good night Haizaki-kun" Kise said, moving to the door.

A nurse on the other side of the corridor had heard their entire quarrel, nauseous at the way Kise had hollered at someone who was in such a vulnerable zone in his life. She rushed to Haizaki's room in an attempt to mitigate the probable effects Kise could have had on Haizaki. She immediately checked his heart rate for any abnormality, his blood-pressure for any spikes, she called in the hospital psychiatrist to have a word with him.  

After an hour long session, the white-cloaked psychiatrist emerged with a distinctively irritable look on his face.

"He's definitely a tough one, a defiant one, on whom I hardly wonder if standard procedures might work. It's almost like he needs his lessons to be punched into him or he's trying too hard to put up a front. Either ways, we will figure out the right procedure to handle him soon " he said as he began to walk away from the room.

Back inside, Haizaki's fingers traced the rims of his collar, where Kise's fist had gathered. He could still see some wrinkles born from that interaction. As he soothed the wrinkles, he kept thinking of what Kise had said, their fight, his outburst and after a long stare, he burst into...a smile.  He smiled nastily at his own piteous state, remarking to himself almost like an epiphany that had made a startling revelation to him. He smirked at his own self and realized, in a span of months, this "interaction" was the first to make him feel, _alive_.

 

 


End file.
